The Edge

Guh. It was freaking hot today. I'm not sure what our high was, but it was humid and sticky and just all-around ick. Sadly, it was also the first day on which the ground in my yard wasn't seeping water. (We've had a lot of rain lately.) So I decided I had better cut my grass. It was starting to look like a jungle in the back yard! Not good.

I picked up the yard (which I do every day -- to clean up after the dog ... yuck). Then, mowed everything. Had to go over most of the yard twice because the grass was so long; I have a little electric mower that doesn't have the power to get really long grass on a first pass. Then, I raked up all the loose clippings. If I leave them they can kill the grass beneath. Plus, my dog eats them and then comes inside to barf all over the carpet in the family room. So not fun. >.O Then, I picked up all the loose clippings to dispose of them. Every time I mow, it makes me wish I composted. I think it would be so much nicer to toss those clippings onto a compost pile. But oh well.

Needless to say, I was pooped after all of that. I didn't sleep well last night, which is nothing new but didn't help my energy levels at all. I've had a headache and been exhausted all day. I'm sitting here now (at 6:40 PM), seriously thinking about going to bed. Which is so, so sad for me.

Kiddo had an early release day from school. I was feeling a bit more human, so I went to pick her up after dropping hubby back home. When kiddo and I got home from school, one of the neighbor kids was outside, so she wanted to play for a while. I stayed outside and trimmed my big rose bushes while they played. I figured I might as well be doing something useful, right? Well, the combination of heat (again) and wrestling through thorny roses did me in again. I came away feeling tired and weak, and with a horrible headache. Which I have yet to shake. Ugh. I sound like such a whiner, don't I? *nervous laugh*

I finally got a new mouse for my Big Mac. For a few months now, my mouse has been acting up. It randomly disconnects itself from the computer and, then, refuses to connect back up -- no matter what I do. (OK, so sometimes it will connect back up if I bang it on the desk, but I figure this is probably not a very good "techhie" solution, so ...) Luckily, it was still under warranty, so hubby dragged me to the mall to get it looked at. The Genius Bar guys weren't able to get it to hook up, either, so they just gave me a new one. Love it! Although I think hubby monkeyed with the tracking speed, as my little cursor arrow is zooming around the screen like mad now. Ah well.

I'm off to take a bath. And perhaps go to bed. Yep. I'm that boring. Damn this headache. >.O

Well, not exactly ... since I'm not a wild partier or anything. (Or even a not-wild partier. Or ... something. >.O)

Spring break was great but all too short. I wasn't ready for school (and all the attendant obligations it brings) to start up again today. I don't think the kiddo was ready for it, either. We seem to be mentally dragging ourselves, kicking and screaming, through this school year. It's been a tough one -- at least for me. I'm not sure if it's been tough for the kiddo or not, but I do think she is tired and ready for school to be done for the year. About a month and a half to go, still. *sigh*

My company is still here. In some ways, it's been a good visit. In some ways, it's been stressful and anxiety-inducing. That's about standard. I am ready for them to go home, though. I feel guilty typing that out loud, but I am ready for some peace -- something that's in short order when the parental units visit.

Office painting is done. We are now waiting for the paint to cure enough so that we can put stuff back into the room -- and, thus, up against the walls. I think we can start loading the room again on Wednesday. I'm tired of everything in the house being topsy-turvy and misplaced. I pretty much had my whole life in that office, which means my life is now, essentially, packed away in boxes here and there. I don't know where anything is, and that is frustrating. On the flip side, I love love love the new color. Even now, with the room bare, I feel so much more at ease when I walk in there. It's funny what a difference paint color can make. I can't wait to get my stuff back in the room and reclaim my space.

I have been toying with the idea of starting a blog for my various unfinished projects and different crafting ideas and such. I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. I love the idea of doing that type of blog, but worry that it might be something that's already too "done". But I do like making and trying a wide variety of things, crafting-wise. And I seem to be pretty good at most stuff like that. Perhaps I lack confidence. I'm not sure. Also, this would mean I would have to make an effort to finish all those unfinished projects. Yikes on that. o_o

I doubt anyone would read it, anyhow. But it might make a fun place for me to keep a record of different things I've tried ... what worked, what didn't ... etc. If nothing else, it might bring value to my life, just for that. But I am not sure if it would be enough for me. I want to say that it would. That the enjoyment I would get out of such a project would be sufficient, even if no one read it. Simply because I feel like such an attention-whore, otherwise. If I am honest with myself, though, I do not know if making a blog just for myself would be enough. I generally feel pretty crappy that my LJ is largely ignored and unloved (although that sounds way more whiny and pathetic than I feel ... or than I intend for it to sound >.O). I have a feeling those emotions would attach to a crafting blog, too. Maybe even more so. With LJ, the thing that bothers me is the whole act of reaching out and finding no response. It's kind of like shouting in the wind. Sometimes, it feels like being back in high school, and being that kid who really wanted friends but was never "cool" enough to have them. Or was never able to establish those connections with other people. And never quite figured out why that was the case. It's weird how you really don't outgrow some things. You tell yourself you do ... but, really, it's not true. Thats just something you say in order to get through the days with some sanity intact. Anyhow, the point is that, with something like a crafting blog, I fear it would hurt more to be ignored because it wouldn't just be my feelings and random thoughts. It would be my ideas and creative efforts. Would that hurt more? Would it make me feel more discouraged about myself than I already do? I'm not sure. I wonder why I end up agonizing over stuff that seems so simple for other people. Maybe I am mentally making this into more of a big deal than it is or should be. Hmmm ...

For now, I do have a project I want to move along today. I am frosting some glass panes to put over the little side windows on either side of my front door. Lovely little windows, but they are a pain to dress. I originally had some faux stained glass on there (a design I made with stained glass paint). But I got tired of it, and the sun leached the colors out over a couple of years. I didn't want to repaint it, so I took that stuff off, and I have been searching for something else to put there for months. I would love to do real stained glass, but it's just too expensive. So, we'll see if this idea works. And maybe I'll figure out the other stuff later.

Have you ever just been in a rotten mood and can't figure out exactly why?

That's me this afternoon. I had to go to the doctor today -- although it wasn't bad news or even a horrible appointment ... I just don't like going. I have a headache. I have gotten nothing done on the book edit in ... well, much longer than I even like to think about. My mom is irritated with me because I either said something she doesn't like or said something perfectly normal in the wrong tone of voice. My daughter won't stop talking. And, while I normally love nothing more than to hear her chatter away about anything and everything, today it's just getting on my last nerve. And someone I don't even know made me feel like a total and complete moron online just a little while ago for an innocuous comment I left on a post. Normally, something like that might not bother me a whole lot. But it was just icing on a very scary, very bad cake today.

So now, I am feeling stupid, ooky, socially inept, and like I should fold up the sidewalks of my personal life and temporarily hide under a rock or something.

*sigh*

So, on the happy-sqwee side of things ...

I finally (FINALLY!!!) got to sit down and watch Saiyuki Burial. I started it night before last and finished it up yesterday afternoon. This is one of those shows I've wanted to watch since I first heard it existed. Seems like forever, really -- even though I know it's not. I can never truly keep up with the "new" anime as it comes out. I don't have much time to sit and watch shows, which means I tend to lag behind quite a bit.

But ...

I LOVED THIS SHOW!!!

I really loved everything about it. I think it's such a beautifully done show. I loved the animation, and I loved how they stayed really close to Minekura's art style from the manga. I loved the twisty-turny way in which they told the story and how it seemed to start and end full-circle. I loved seeing the beginnings of these characters I've adored since my first viewing of Gensoumaden. I felt like the show was filled with emotion and meaning, and I loved that too. So, yeah ... mucho love for Burial from this fangirl.

While watching, I managed to grab caps and scene info for my Burial sketches. That was a total kicker. There is something about seeing the sketch actually on the screen that makes me love them that much more. And, in this instance, I realized I had managed to snag (without even realizing it o_o) a couple of very meaningful, pivotal scenes. That was a fun and happy realization.

You can check out the fruits of my labor here, if you want.

On the "Last Straw" end of things ... ( Read more... )

Which brings me back to ...

Saiyuki Burial!! *sqweee!*

OK. I'm freaking out just a little. The street in front of our house (a fairly major, busy street) is full of police vehicles. There are more police cars and SUVs with flashing lights than I can count. Not to mention two mobile command units and a SWAT team vehicle. And men wearing body armor and carrying automatic weapons. And EMS vehicles.

They have the street in front of our house totally blocked off. I'm not sure how far down it goes, as my view is limited.

Ack!

It stormed all night last night, with odd lightning that made my ceiling fan click on and off. So, I had to go without the fan, which made it hot in our bedroom. I was watching HGTV and surfing their website right before bed (I swear, that channel is like cable-viewing crack!), so I had really strange HGTV-inspired dreams. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well and woke up this morning a little disappointed to find that a team of designers had not come through during the night to redesign my house for me.

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So, I didn't feel particularly stressed about stuff. I mean, I don't want to go to Texas for the holidays. And I have no choice in the matter. And I've had to put up with my mom's unhappy phone calls about it. And we had almost 2 feet of snow or something ... so digging out was no picnic. And the trip out of town means I've had to step up all my own Christmas stuff. And I still have to clean the house so the pet sitter won't think we live in squalor (even though we probably do ...). And I can't really clean the house because the rest of the stuff we cleaned out of the garage and were supposed to haul off for donating over the weekend is still sitting in my foyer (because of the snow). And we just got notified that we owe additional taxes because a couple of our deductions were unexpectedly "adjusted". (How come tax "adjustments" never work in my favor?) And I finally had a break through on a story that's been percolating in the back of my head for a couple of years now (yeah, sometimes it really does take that long >.O), but it comes at a time when I have NO time to work on it due to all my other obligations. I swear my muse hates me ... or has a serious torture fetish or something. o_O And on and on and on.

Even so, it all felt like my normal level of "stressed out" and nothing too different. After all, I deal with most of this pretty much every day of my life. Because I am a tensed-up bundle of nerves or something.

Except ...

Last night, I had a nice, long string of stress dreams. The one where I get a promotion at work, then show up for work the next day thinking it's 8 AM ... only to get there and find out it's really 5 PM, and I was AWOL from my job the whole day. I walk in past all my "friends", who snicker and make fun of me for being late -- all the while I am totally clueless as to what is going on. (Remember, I still think it's 8 AM.) Finally, someone tells me it's actually 5 PM, and asks where I've been all day. To which, of course, I have no answer. Cue another round of snickers from my co-workers -- all of whom seem to have assembled to watch me walk into the office. It's like running the gauntlet. I have to go meet with my bosses. And tell them that I thought it was 8 AM, not 5 PM. And they look at me like I'm a moron. Because, of course, I am a moron. Only a moron would do something as bone-headed as thinking 5 PM was really 8 AM. And then, fail to come up with a good excuse for it ... or even an inventive lie. And I know they think I'm stupid ... and are wondering WHY in the WORLD they chose to give me a promotion. But they say they will let it slide because I've always done everything right in the past. Even so, as I walk out of the big boss's office, I know they will be watching me. Waiting for me to screw up again. So they can fire me. And I walk back to my desk hearing the whispers of my co-workers around me, although I can't understand exactly what they are saying. And I sit down and wonder what I should do with myself, still feeling confused, wishing I could crawl under the desk and hide from all the stares, and, perversely, wondering if I could go ahead and go back home. After all, it is 5 PM. o_o

Lovely, lovely dream. It never fails to wake me up in a panic. And I got to live through it several times last night.

This morning, I am a bit grumpy and tired and, overall, unhappy. *grumble*

Just because I didn't want to clog the "writer's block" entry with extra blah-blah-blah ...

THE BOOKS CAME!! They arrived today, and they are GORGEOUS!! I really expected them to look a bit ratty around the edges or a bit the worse for wear, but they are absolutely pristine. The seller had mentioned some fraying/rubbing on the edges of the dust covers, but I can't even see that. I am over the moon happy with them.

Aaaaand ...

This has been the longest week in the history of ever. I have no idea why, other than my daughter started back to school this week. It's proving difficult easing back into the routine. She has swimming tomorrow at around 8 AM. Might as well be at 0:dark-thirty as far as I'm concerned. I may skip out on the lesson and let her dad take her. Kinda makes me feel like a terrible mom, but ... meh.

I've been stuck in the midst of birthday party planning hell. I've got the party pretty much ironed out and everything reserved for it. But I had to get the guest list organized, which meant calling around to get email addresses for the evites. You wouldn't think it would be such a difficult task, but it sorta was. It took me a couple of days to get that done, and I'm still missing a couple of them. I had enough that I could send out the evite, though. If I ever hear from the missing couple of people, I'll add them into the guest list for the invitation. If not, then ... I guess I won't. Now, I'm all nervous, hoping people will actually come. I'm weird about stuff like that. I totally worry about that. My hubby says I'm being a doofus, and I guess I am. But I haven't had the best experiences, friendship-wise -- as a kid or as an adult. So, I remain skeptical. We've already had a few affirmative replies, though, so I'm hoping for the best. At the very least, we won't be sitting there all alone for the party, which is a good thing. >.O

Queen for a Day:

So, tomorrow, I'm going to be "Queen for a Day". Kinda. I've been so stressed out with my parents visiting and just feeling overwhelmed in general with hubby's crazy work schedule and all the kiddo activities and such. Plus, not getting any writing done -- pretty much all summer -- hasn't helped at all. I've gotten a little done, but I still feel like this summer was pretty much a wash, writing-wise. Even though I know I'm being too hard on myself. I tell myself this, but it doesn't seem to sink in.

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Aaaaand, new cel gallery stuffage!

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Ugh. I am not in a happy place this morning. I feel grumpy and just grumbly, over-all.

Yesterday afternoon, I finished a second chapter on my current writing project. This is a good thing, and it made me happy. But, I was also tired. The kind of tired where you have a headache and your stomach is upset. Yeah ... that tired. I've been putting in a lot of late nights working on this thing, and I'm definitely not as young as I used to be. After a few of those, combined with the morning thing with my kiddo, I am left not feeling well.

So, having finished my chapter yesterday, I decided to take it easy last night. All I wanted was to relax a little and go to bed early. Seems like a simple plan, right?

Yeah. Not.

First, we had to go to the Great Wall - that's a Chinese grocery store near our house. Which, wasn't so bad. I don't, in general, like grocery stores, but I like this store. Really, any store specializing in asian foods, etc. Because they are mysterious (since I can't read the writing on any of the packages) and fun (because they have so many absolutely cool things). I got some more Ramune soda, although they only had the orange flavor in stock. And, these really yummy hard candies. They're like little squares, but wow -- they have a lot of flavor. Still, we didn't get home from that until around 9:30.

Then, I had to pay bills, which is no fun and took another hour. By that time, the kiddo was back up here to start her getting ready for bed process, and my hopes of lying in bed like a slug and watching Tivo'd episodes of Bleach were long gone.

Oh well. I figured I could still go to bed early, right? So, I missed out on Bleach, but sleep was calling me; everything was good.

Not so much. Because hubby picked last night to stay up and surf the internet for a couple of hours -- with the laptop, in bed, with the light on. I managed to fall asleep, only to be awakened a few minutes later by the stupid laptop fan, which is incredibly loud. Then, I couldn't go back to sleep because of the light, and had to wait for him to finish.

Finally, I get to sleep ... but I had these crazy weird dreams. The totally bizarre kind that have you waking up and wondering what is real and what is a dream, you know? A very disconcerting feeling. And my hubby decided, last night, to take his half of the bed out of the middle. We have a king-size bed, and I ended up sleeping right on the edge. I didn't have room to turn over or even get comfortable. So, each time I woke up from one of my crazy-weird dreams, I had the whole irritation over being practically shoved off the bed.

Then, at 4:30 AM, the cat decided to do her howl thing. She has taken to doing this some mornings at around 4:30 or 5. Basically, she sits in the upstairs hallway and yowls. A lot. It's one of the world's eeriest sounds, and it always wakes me up with a uncomfortable jolt. This morning was no exception. I had to stumble out of bed and close her up in the office. Otherwise, she will keep on doing it.

I think, from 4:30 to 9 AM, I finally slept pretty well. I think I would have been able to sleep longer, except hubby was getting ready for work, and laying out his things on the bed. When I say "laying", I mean he was tossing them onto the bed. Which, of course, woke me up.

So, even though I wanted to go to bed early ... and did go to bed early ... I still only got the 4.5 hours of sleep that has been "normal" for me over the past few weeks. I woke up feeling draggy and out of sorts, and I have a HUGE sinus headache (thanks so much, Summer >.O).

And, here I am, grumbling about it all in my LJ. *grumblegripegrumble*