The Edge

Another year, that is. In a few hours, we will wave good-bye to 2006 and hello to the brand new baby new year of 2007. I have to admit, I will be a bit glad to see 2006 go. This has been a tough year -- not just for me, but for many others I care about and consider friends. It's one thing for me to suffer through "real life crap", but I hate seeing it happen to the people I care about. Really, really hate it.

For the sake of completeness ... a rehash of my own 2006. Well, just the highlights -- or, as in the case of my opening paragraph down below, the lowlights.

A Few Bumps in the Road

I had a bit of a rocky year where friendship was concerned. A couple of friendships that I had thought were solid ended up not being that way. I ended up feeling hurt and betrayed, and, in the case of a couple of friends, I still feel a bit hurt and betrayed. I suppose that feeling will go away, given time, but I'm not sure. It's really, really difficult to learn that someone you care about is not at all the person you initially believed them to be. It's disappointing and painful. I have to admit I'm probably more disappointed in myself. There is this little voice inside my head whispering that I should have known better. I should have known better than to trust and open myself up that way. Things, in general, are better off when as few people "know" me as possible. But, then, if you never try ... I suppose you never get anywhere, either, right?

My little family unit had a bit of a rough time with some very scary legal issues. They popped up in the latter part of 2005 and rather hung around for most of this year, too. It's hard trying to go on as normal and live your life, all the while feeling like this huge ax blade is swinging back and forth over your head. I think we managed to hide it pretty well, though. And, we got through it with a minimum of fighting amongst ourselves, which is a plus. Stress and strain can often cause that kind of tension. Hopefully, we were able to make things as normal as possible for our little daughter.

At the beginning of the year, my hubby lost out on a promotion he had been working for, really hard. That was a huge disappointment, and, for a few months, a very big blow to him. Well, to both of us, as it made me mad to stand back and have to watch it happen to him without being able to help or do anything. I love him, and when I see him in trouble, my first instinct is to attack. When I can't do that ... well, I have a hard time with things.

I had to face the fact that I probably don't have much time left with my dear, old dog. He became very ill right around Christmas, which I won't belabor here, since I posted about it earlier. Needless to say, I had to face the very real possibility that I would have to have him put to sleep over the Christmas holidays. Thankfully, it did not come to that, but it was very close for a few days -- and very scary and very heartbreaking, too. I know it sounds silly. I mean, in the back of my mind, I knew that time was coming. It had to be -- he is almost 16 years old, after all. Still, I had done a very good job of pretending it would never happen. Now, I can no longer do this, and ... well, I have to admit it kind of pisses me off. The truth has a way of doing that, don't you think?

I learned I am nowhere near the kind of person I need to be. I spent a lot of time reaching out to people over the year, only to feel like most of my efforts were ignored or very much unappreciated. In my heart, I know this might not be true, but, even if it is true, it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter, because the important thing is that I tried -- that I reached out to someone, and gave it a try. I'm a naturally shy person, and I don't make friends easily, so this was a big thing for me. So, in my heart, I knew, all along, that it didn't matter whether people returned the gesture or not. But, I have to admit, I have become tired of it and, at times, have allowed the bitterness to seep in around the edges a bit. I suppose this is natural and only human ... and, probably, I'm being way too hard on myself. But, all the same, I feel it is a very negative thing about my personality.

I learned it is very easy to become very disillusioned with something you love. I had this happen several times during the year with regard to my writing. I got tired of posting things and getting little to no feedback on them, especially from my family and friends. And, I allowed disillusionment (<-- is that a word? >.O) to set in -- to the point where I have contemplated just giving up, more than once. There have been a lot of times when, in all honesty, it didn't seem worth the struggle or the time or the effort.

But, some good things ...

Thankfully, there are always plenty of positives to balance out the negatives life tosses in your path. I think life, in general, is really wonderful in this regard. Somehow, no matter how bleak things seem, the scales remain balanced. It might not seem like it at the time, but, later on, when I've looked back on things with a bit more perspective, I've always realized that balance was there. This year was no exception.

A couple of weeks ago, my hubby got the promotion he lost out on at the end of last year. So, it was nice and really exciting to see that finally come full circle for him. He deserves it, because he has worked really hard for it.

Also, our legal issues seem to be clearing up on their own -- and in a favorable manner. *knocks on wood* o.o It's one of those "no news is good news" kinds of situations, and we have heard nothing for many months. This is a good thing. A very good thing. I hope it continues this way.

My dog seems to have gotten a bit of a new lease on life. We switched his food to something more easily digestible. He is putting on some weight, able to get up and down on his own, eating well, and walking much better. He recently injured his back, but the vet wasn't too concerned about it. I still know we likely won't have much time with him, but anything we get at this point is a blessing.

One of those friendships that seemed to be on the ropes earlier this year managed to emerge much stronger. My friend and I worked out our issues, and I know I'm a better person for it. Plus, I feel incredibly blessed to have this kind of friendship in my life -- one that can stand the test and trials of time. It made me realize what a true blessing friendship is. Sadly, the other relationship appears to be over -- at least from my end of things. It gets pretty hard to keep on forgiving someone when they do not care how their actions have affected those around them. And, it becomes very hard to continue forgiving when someone who is supposed to be your friend is so wrapped up in their own life that they can't seem to remember you even exist. It is sad to feel a friendship ending. But, at the same time, it's more positive for myself to keep this kind of relationship out of my life. So, I'm trying to look on the bright side of things.

My father and mother both passed one more year cancer free. My mom is now considered in complete remission. My dad, I believe, has two or three more years to go. But, a year of good health for my parents is one of the most wonderful blessings for which I could ask.

I discovered why God makes your kids so darn cute and irresistible. It's so you can survive potty training. >.O Yeah. I started doing the PT with my little princess. So far, it has been a rather trying experience, but it has taught me to perservere, not to mention the value of patience and a very good sense of humor. Why sweat the small stuff, you know?

My little girl continues to amaze and frighten me. Each new day with her is an adventure and a complete blessing. I never expected to feel this kind of love for someone else, and it can be a bit scary. It is, literally, as if God took my heart out of my body, gave it legs, and let it walk around on its own. I feel, more and more every day, that I would give anything for her, and I would do anything for her. Truly, being a mother has been one of the continuing highlights of my year, and each and every day with my daughter is filled with hugs, butterfly kisses, laughter, and more blessings than I can count.

Cel-wise (because what Bish Closet entry would be complete without at least some cel- or sketch-related gab?), I feel I had a pretty good year in 2006. I was lucky enough to get several wishlists, in both cel and sketch form. And, I feel like my gallery has seen some really nice growth, especially considering that, at only a bit over 2 years into this hobby, I'm still a relative newcomer in the game. I don't think my new acquisitions were anything super spectactular, especially compared to what some folks managed to add. But, I love them all ... they are things I had either dreamed of finding or had watched and lusted after for a long time ... and I am very, very happy to have them in my possession. Not to mention feeling very fortunate. I know it sounds dumb, but my little obsession ... er, hobby ... has carried me through some really rough times this year. There have been times when those new acquisitions were my one and only joy. Which, I know, sounds pathetic to be so "into" material things ... but, you know, sometimes, life is just like that. You have to take your joy wherever you can find it.

Anyhow, I set up a little 2006 Retrospective in my Rubberslug Gallery. Take a gander, if you're so inclined.

So, what about 2007?

I'm not really big on resolutions. Usually, I can't manage to keep them, which leads to me feeling icky and bitter. But, I do have a few hopes for the coming year -- maybe I'll even manage to do one or two of these. Heck, if I can even accomplish one, that would be a big, happy deal to me.

I would like to learn to stop expecting things from other people. I know this sounds harsh and mean, but I don't mean it that way. Most of the people I know are very busy, and don't feel they can take the time to return contacts made with them, or whatever. The thing is ... if I go into the whole deal expecting reciprocal treatment, I just end up feeling disappointed and hurt, which, in turn, allows the bitterness to seep through around the edges of my personality, which I hate. Plus, in all honesty, I can sometimes be very slow at returning communications -- something else I would like to work on for the coming year. So, it's not like I don't understand what others are going through. And, it's not like I don't sympathize. The thing is ... I just want things to be on a clean slate for me, mentally, you know? So, if I decide to make a contact, I want to just be honest with myself and do it not expecting a return. That way, I can have the satisfaction of knowing I made an effort for myself. But, if the other person doesn't have time to communicate back ... or doesn't want to, even ... I don't have to feel like it's a reflection of me, somehow. (I'm not sure if this makes sense. I mean, it does in my head ... but I'm not sure I'm explaining it very well. >.O Plus, it's kinda skeery inside my head.)

A corresponding thing to the above paragraph is that I would like to spend less time online. And, I would like to make the time I do spend on the internet more productive. If I want to write in my LJ, which I will probably still do, I don't want to go into it expecting replies from anyone. Because, let's face it -- I'm not gonna get them. I'm tired of beating myself up over the fact that I'm uninteresting. I just need to accept that, you know? Embrace my "uninteresting-ness" and go on with my life. So, I want to do the LJ thing for me ... not in an effort to make or keep friends, or to keep up with the friends I have. For me, I think this is the only way keeping my LJ open will be productive. I have thought about closing it. But, really, I do enjoy rambling out about different things in here, and, when I thought about it, I realized it didn't matter to me if anyone else cared or not. So, I would like to just keep that thought in my mind in the future. (Again, I'm not sure if this makes any sense or not. o.o)

But, I do realize I have let online time take me away from my writing. I'm not sure why I do this. I think, somewhere inside myself, I'm afraid of really trying ... afraid to really put forth an effort with regard to my writing. Because, now, I can at least pretend. I haven't failed yet, so I can pretend I am good at something. I can pretend this thing that matters so much to me is something I really can do. But, if I try -- if I hang myself out there and truly make an effort only to fail -- then the dream's over, you know? Then, I'll have to live with the realization that's always sitting in the back of my mind, whispering at me -- that I'm not any good at much of anything ... that I'm a nobody and destined to be a nobody. The thing is, though, if I don't try, I've already failed. And, I'm already nobody, which isn't really a bad thing to be. So, what's the worst that could happen, right? I continue to be nobody. I suppose I can live with that. Heck, I already live with that. *nervous laugh* So, I would like to put forth a bit more effort in the coming year for my writing. Maybe get on a better schedule, so that I can really use my very limited free time to the best advantage. I would like to finish my book. I would like to finish up a few original fiction projects that are rattling around in my head. And, I would like to finish up some fanfiction, too -- although I already think it's, likely, more than a bit foolish for me to continue participating in that particular genre. Still ... I do enjoy writing them. Maybe I'll just stop posting them. I don't know yet, actually. I haven't thought that far ahead on things.

I was debating over closing my writing journal. I don't think anyone is much interested in it, judging from the crickets eating their way through the small number of entries in there. But, I opened the thing more for myself than anything else ... so I think I'll keep it up. Maybe I'll change it to a private journal or something. I don't know. It's kind of a new thing, so I need to give myself some more time to think on it.

In general, I hope I can learn to be a more forgiving and patient person in 2007. This is something I feel I always need to work on, and something I never think I quite manage to achieve. Hopefully, when I look back on 2007 at the end of next December, I will feel like I've made improvement in this area. That would be a good thing.

And, I guess that's it. I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of it right now. Which is a good thing, since this entry is already way too long. Kudos to anyone who managed to stick it out to the end. You're a better person than I am, that's for sure. ^.~

Oh! I know! A reward!! *passes out platter of Christmas cookies* =P

Happy New Year to everyone. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend ... and I hope the new year is filled with blessings for all of us. *big gloms*