The Edge

Huge, huge GLOMS -o- DOOOOOM to my dearest Keeper, for she has created this lovely thing, based on a screencap and my wishlist sketch:



I am so thrilled that I will be able to see this much-beloved scene in acetate and paint, and, as always, Keeper's creations are the next best thing to an actual production cel. All of the fancels I have gotten from her look like repro or rilezu cels. I just love them!! *GLOMS Keeper summore*

I have been in the "feelin' poorly" camp recently, as I mentioned in an earlier LJ entry. It's either a very bad allergy attack or a cold. Hard to tell, really, since both things, for me, tend to have the same symptoms. I'm not running a fever, though, so that's good. I've been taking a combo of allergy and cold meds -- allergy medication for the daytime, to combat congestion and drain my overactive sinuses (I know - TMI -- ICK! >.O) and cold meds at night, so I can sleep -- and they seem to be helping.

I got lucky last night and managed to score a Loveless genga set. Not "lucky" price-wise, since art from this show is kind of expensive. (At least, it has been for me. I haven't been lucky enough to win any off of YJ, although I managed to get some nice single sketches for a good price on Ebay.) But, I feel fortunate whenever I get art from the show. And, I was also able to order what looks to be a kick-butt Bleach set for a friend, so that makes me happy. *pokes said friend with the Stick -o- Happiness ^.~*

Then, I had a pretty decent night's sleep, accompanied by some very interesting dreams involving one of my favorite singers. Bu-ut ... we will just leave news of those locked away in my very over-active imagination. *nervous laugh*

At any rate, it all added up to me waking up in a great mood. So ... YAY!

(yeah ... it was a very good dream. *gigglesnicker*)

It's a bright, sunny day. The ice and snow are melting quickly; I can hear the ice cracking outside. It's funny how I find that noise rather comforting. Something about hearing the groans and creaks from the ice breaking makes me feel happy and cozy to be inside, snug in my house. It might be cluttered and messy ... but it's home. For what that's worth. Most days, it's worth a lot, really.

The kiddo wanted McDonald's for lunch, so we ventured out into the world. On the way home, we saw a man, walking and praying -- he had a rosary in his hands and fingered the beads, talking as he walked. I wondered what he was telling God. We saw two women out walking. They were both pushing strollers, and their children looked happy -- probably relieved to be outside after a few days stuck in the house because of the weather. I wondered what they talked about, and where they were going. I saw a guy working on his car. He was parked on the side of the street, and I could see his legs sticking out from under the car. His girlfriend was there, too. Or, I guess she was his girlfriend. She had pretty skin, dark eyes, and shining black hair. As we drove by, she swept it into a ponytail and leaned on the fender, talking to the man under the car. It reminded me of all the times I had seen my mother, sitting on the floor of our garage, talking to my dad as he worked on our car, late into the night.

It's just ... life, you know? Moving on, moving ahead. It's nothing special. Just a bunch of ordinary scenes of people going about their days. Nothing special.

But, in so many ways, it's very special. That time and space and fate coincide to bring all of us together at this one moment. All those strangers, just going about their lives, knowing nothing about each other. And me ... one last stranger, driving by to see it all. I'm sure it means something. But, like most everyday, ordinary things, it's impossible to see what that meaning might be, just as it's often impossible to see the beauty in it -- in everyday, ordinary life. And, yet, it is beautiful. We don't have to recognize it for it to be there.

So often, I feel like a person who is on the outside, looking in. As if I don't truly engage in life, but hold myself apart from everything, too afraid to jump in. Usually, it makes me sad to think of myself like that. But, some days -- like today -- it's not such a bad thing. Not such a bad thing at all.

Bookworm Meme (again, because I thought it was fun, and, let's face it, I have no life.)

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open it to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences in your blog, along with these instructions.

"So you refuse my offer?" Guthred asked. He had lost this confrontation and knew it.

Kjartan shook his head as if he found the world a sadder place than he had expected.

From: Lords of the North by Bernard Cornwell.

And, in other news ... OUCH! I had one of my more idiotic moments over the weekend. Spent a good part of the day Saturday helping my hubby chip away and shovel ice off of our driveway. I'm not sure which part is dumber -- that I did this, or that we waited until the snow had packed down, melted, and refrozen to the point that it was about 2 or 2.5 inches of solid, hard ice. Either way, it was a lot of work, and hard. By the time it was done, my back and legs were aching. And, I had done something very, very bad to my hands. I could not close my fingers enough to pick up a pen, and did not have enough strength left in my hands to hold a plate without my hand spasming and cramping up. I kind of rested them for the remainder of the weekend, which worked out well. I hit a rather "emotionally drained" place, mentally, on Sunday, so the whole hand thing encouraged me to take it easy, instead of forging ahead and pretending like nothing was wrong. (Which is something I'm normally inclined to do.) I got the first part of the second season box set for Big Valley (yes, Big Valley ... I love that show.*geeky fangirl sqweels*), so I spent most of the evening yesterday curled up in bed, watching the Barkleys triumph over the rest of the world. Yay for Hollywood.

Today, my hands were feeling marginally better. They are still quite swollen and stiff, but I can pick up most things without my muscles spasming and cramping. So, of course, I head out again, and shovel/chip the ice off of our sidewalk. I know. I am a moron of epic proportions. But, it had to be done. I kept having visions of some numnut slipping and falling and, then, suing the pants off us. That would be so not good. I feel better now that the sidewalk is clear, but, yeah, my hands are not happy.

I got some really nice feedback from my main website today. *happeh sqwees* I didn't think anyone (except for me, that is) visited it, so hearing from someone that has is a super nice treat. Plus, they had nice things to say, so it was a double yay sort of thing.

I started reading Lords of the North by Bernard Cornwell (hence the bookworm meme info up above). I read the book jacket and became totally enthralled with the story. I know I'll love a book when that happens -- when I fall in love just from the little blurb on the dust jacket. Since I had a coupon, I splurged and bought the hardcover for it. Only to find out it's the third book in a series. Yes, I am a goober. I checked the book, though, trying to see if it was a stand-alone or what, since I know this author often writes series. I didn't see anything to indicate it was part of a series, so I figured it was either a stand alone or, if part of a series, it was the first book. Nope. Once I started reading, I realized there were books preceding it. Oh well. I'm still going to read it. I don't feel completely lost in the story, and I'm kind of strange in that I can usually pick up a series of books in the middle and still have an enjoyable read. At any rate, I'll have to add two more books to my "to buy" list, as I like this one quite a lot so far. I'll have to pick up the other two when I get a chance.

I'm still reading the George R.R. Martin book, too: A Game of Thrones. But, since I've read part of it before, I got kind of stalled. I'll pick it back up eventually -- once I divest myself of any emotional attachment to the characters. Otherwise, reading this darn series is going to be too painful.I can already tell. >.O

I read today that there is yet another food recall. So, now we have Peter Pan peanut butter ... organic baby food ... certain kinds of fresh cantaloupe ... and oscar mayer grilled, ready-to-eat chicken breasts. Sheesh. I think I'm just going to start eating dirt. o.O

I guess that's it. Damn, I'm boring, aren't I? *nervous laugh*

OK, so you guys know I've been whining about the need to declutter my house. Well, yesterday, I resolved to begin the process with my office. It's where I spend most of my time. It's also where I write, work on my websites, and, in general, engage in any creative pursuits that I ... well, "pursue". Thus, it seemed logical to me. Logical in terms of my flagging mental well-being, anyhow.

I watched four hours of Naruto last night, just before heading off to bed.

I've been mulling over a couple of in-progress WK fics, as well as working out a few new plots.

And, I was discussing Samurai 7 with a friend on a forum.

Why am I telling you all this, you ask? (Or, maybe you didn't ask. Maybe you were too afraid to ask, but I'm going to tell you, anyhow. Isn't life scary sometimes? o.o)

Last night, all these seemingly disparate parts of my psyche collided in a very big, very strange way. Yep. The "Anime Dream".

I was shopping for a new house -- one with lots of closets and plenty of extra storage space for the aforementioned clutter. My real estate agent was ... Kakashi. And, let me tell you, he was no slouch. Each time a seller or opposing agent gave him a hard time, he would use his ninja-dog jitsu on them until they saw things his way. Sure, it was a rather brutal and vicious thing to do, but real estate is a tough business. You have to be prepared to run with the big dogs. (Or, so Kakashi kept telling me whenever I would comment on his unusual negotiation tactics. I still don't know how he said it with a straight face.)

After much looking, we finally found a house that seemed practically perfect in every way. We decided to poke around inside, and headed to the kitchen first. I opened the pantry to find an action figure of Kambei laying on the floor, as if abandoned by a previous owner. I took it as a sign the house was meant for me, but Kakashi, ever the cautious guide, insisted we continue looking. We headed to the back of the house, coming to the master bedroom. I opened the closet and found ... (also looking as if abandoned by a previous owner) Aya, all tied up. o.O

You guessed it. That was it for me. No more looking. I mean, action figures in the pantry are nice, as is extra storage, but how often are you going to find a house with a fully-stocked bish closet? Yeah ... try never. So, a bit of negotiating (complete with ninja-dog jitsu) later, I was the happy owner of my very own house with a huge pantry, extra storage, and some bishie luv on the side. Kakashi didn't seem entirely happy about the whole transaction. He kept mumbling something under his breath. Maybe he was offended that the action figure wasn't of him. Or, could it be the closet thing? *ahem*

So, there you have it. A small peek into the very bizarr-o anime world of Tex-chan. I told you it would be scary, didn't I? ^.~

The title says it all. I got home from Texas, stayed home for a day, and, then, was off again. To Cleveland, this time, for a new partners' meeting conducted by my hubby's firm. It's kind of a two-day orientation thing for the new partners -- to help them figure out tax issues, marketing stuff, firm culture, etc. The upside is that we get to stay in a nice hotel (Ritz-Carlton) and have good meals on the firm's tab. The down side is that we are in Cleveland in January, so it's dang cold and very windy. Also, there are dinners to attend, etc ... which, to me, are a huge down side, as I'm shy and hate those kinds of functions. It's been snowing, though, which is great. (Yes, I'm weird; I love snow. =P)

Today is our last day here. We have an outing to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Museum and another dinner this evening. Then, tomorrow, we head home. My hubby has to leave again the very next day for a business trip to Minneapolis, but, luckily, I get to stay home. I thought about going with him, but decided against it. I'm tired, and I just want to be home ... with my kiddo and my dog and cat ... and sleeping in my own bed. Needless to say, I don't travel very well. *nervous laugh*

At the moment, I'm tired and not feeling well. My sinuses are kicking into overtime, which is weird -- you would think the snow and cold weather would have frozen everything that could trigger my allergies, but not so much. I believe someone in a room above us was smoking last night. I could smell it coming through the vent in our bathroom, and that could be what has triggered the sinuses from hell today. I'm horribly, horribly allergic to smoke. I was hoping to get some writing done today, since I had a free morning. I'm not sure if that's going to work out, though, considering how all-around icky I feel. Perhaps, I still can do a bit. Or, maybe I'll curl up in bed and go back to sleep ... or watch some anime. Hmmm ... decisions, decisions.

The only draw-back about returning home is that I will have to face down my computer woes. I'm still not sure exactly what is going on with my desktop. I hope my hubby and I, between the two of us, can figure it out, though, because I love my computer. I also hope I don't have to strip everything off and re-install it all -- because that will be a pain in the hoo-hah. Thankfully, all my files were backed up just recently. *lucky break*

Oh, and another drawback about returning home -- I have new cels waiting for me. Lots of new cels (for me, anyhow). Which is great, although it means scanning and updating. Even the scanning and updating is not so bad, but my parents are staying with us for a bit ... and I know my mom isn't going to let me anywhere near the computer for any length of time. She already had me consigned to housecleaning hell for the one day I was home in between the Texas trip and this Cleveland trip. I'm sure it'll be more of the same ... times a billion ... when I return home. Bleh.

Woke up at 4 AM. The first thought that popped into my head was "Rain, Rain, go away." How did I know it was raining? Because of the massive, pounding sinus headache rattling around my brain like a chipmunk hopped up on speed. This was what woke me up, in the first place, and the reason I didn't manage to fall back asleep until almost 7 AM.

I got up at around 10 or 10:30 -- sinus headache still firmly entrenched, rain still pouring down outside -- to find an email from my hubby, telling me that Tex (our dog) had been asleep when he left for work this morning. So, he went on his merry way without letting the old boy out.

This is not good news, since the dog is old and can't "hold it" as well as he used to. Actually, he can't "hold it" at all, really, which is why I try to make a point of letting him out frequently during the day.

With a growing sense of dread, I head downstairs to check on the old guy. I'm still bleary-eyed and hung over from the after-effects of too little sleep combined with the Sinus Headache From Hell, but the smell hits me about halfway down the stairs, telling me, in on uncertain terms -- this is not going to be pretty. I would really like to turn around and go back upstairs -- to pretend I don't know what I know, because I haven't seen it with my own eyes. I've only smelled it. But, the nose doesn't lie ... and I don't have the luxury of pretending not to know what I'm going to find downstairs. After all, someone has to clean it up. I'm the only one here, and avoiding it is just that. Avoiding it. The mess will still be there later, and, likely, will be even worse.

Still, sometimes, I hate being a grown up. And, this morning was, most definitely, one of those times.

I spent about an hour or hour and a half cleaning up downstairs. We keep plastic and newspaper down by the sliding glass door to our yard -- you know, in case of "accidents". But, somehow, Tex not only managed to ruin the papers with what looked like a gallon of pee (Where does it all come from? >.O), but he also decided to poo, too. Not on the papers. No, that would have been too easy. He had to go all the way across the room to do it on the carpet ... and, then, he walked around in it so that it was tracked all over the floor.

There are few things as demoralizing as crawling around on your hands and knees cleaning up dog poo -- unless it's doing it first thing on a rainy morning when you have a sinus headache. Of course, there was the phone call with my parents, during which they told me I shouldn't expect my hubby to have "common sense", since he's a lawyer and not a "regular" person ... which means that most people can't do what he does at work every day. This is true, but, somehow, they have managed to completely forget that I, too, am a lawyer. Or used to be, before I traded in that career for my currently incredibly fulfilling (NOT) job as Head Pooper Scooper. When I reminded them of this fact, they both said: "oh". And, that was demoralizing on a whole different level.

Now, though, the rain is gone. The carpet is clean -- or as clean as I could get it. The living room is aired out a bit. The sun is shining. Unfortunately, the Sinus Headache from Hell remains, and I frittered away all my writing time this morning cleaning up dog doo.

Still, I keep reminding myself:

I can live through this.

I love my husband.

I love my dog.

In my next life, I'm coming back as a man.

UPDATE: All right. Things just keep on getting better and better. So, once the living room is all cleaned up, I go back upstairs to find my daughter is awake. I do the Very Bad Mom thing and take her to get McDonald's for lunch. (Yeah, I know -- I'm going to rot in hell for it. >.O) We get home, and, somehow, I manage to drop my coke in our foyer. It lands perfectly upside down -- on the lid. I pick it up from the quickly spreading coke puddle on the floor and use paper towels to mop up the mess, thinking I will come back later (after lunch) to finish cleaning with some Clorox wipes. Not much of the coke spilled, so I think, maybe, this is my first lucky break for the day. We eat our lunch, play with Dora's Magical Castle for a while, and, then, I go back to finish cleaning up the tile in the foyer. As I'm mopping up the last of the sticky stuff on the floor, I look up and see ...

Coke. On the wall behind me. All over the wall behind me, splattered and dripped from almost the ceiling down to the floor, and all over the picture frames. Yeah. Everywhere.

You know, the way I have it figured, I only made one big mistake today. I got out of bed. o.o *sigh*

Another year, that is. In a few hours, we will wave good-bye to 2006 and hello to the brand new baby new year of 2007. I have to admit, I will be a bit glad to see 2006 go. This has been a tough year -- not just for me, but for many others I care about and consider friends. It's one thing for me to suffer through "real life crap", but I hate seeing it happen to the people I care about. Really, really hate it.

For the sake of completeness ... a rehash of my own 2006. Well, just the highlights -- or, as in the case of my opening paragraph down below, the lowlights.

A Few Bumps in the Road

I had a bit of a rocky year where friendship was concerned. A couple of friendships that I had thought were solid ended up not being that way. I ended up feeling hurt and betrayed, and, in the case of a couple of friends, I still feel a bit hurt and betrayed. I suppose that feeling will go away, given time, but I'm not sure. It's really, really difficult to learn that someone you care about is not at all the person you initially believed them to be. It's disappointing and painful. I have to admit I'm probably more disappointed in myself. There is this little voice inside my head whispering that I should have known better. I should have known better than to trust and open myself up that way. Things, in general, are better off when as few people "know" me as possible. But, then, if you never try ... I suppose you never get anywhere, either, right?

My little family unit had a bit of a rough time with some very scary legal issues. They popped up in the latter part of 2005 and rather hung around for most of this year, too. It's hard trying to go on as normal and live your life, all the while feeling like this huge ax blade is swinging back and forth over your head. I think we managed to hide it pretty well, though. And, we got through it with a minimum of fighting amongst ourselves, which is a plus. Stress and strain can often cause that kind of tension. Hopefully, we were able to make things as normal as possible for our little daughter.

At the beginning of the year, my hubby lost out on a promotion he had been working for, really hard. That was a huge disappointment, and, for a few months, a very big blow to him. Well, to both of us, as it made me mad to stand back and have to watch it happen to him without being able to help or do anything. I love him, and when I see him in trouble, my first instinct is to attack. When I can't do that ... well, I have a hard time with things.

I had to face the fact that I probably don't have much time left with my dear, old dog. He became very ill right around Christmas, which I won't belabor here, since I posted about it earlier. Needless to say, I had to face the very real possibility that I would have to have him put to sleep over the Christmas holidays. Thankfully, it did not come to that, but it was very close for a few days -- and very scary and very heartbreaking, too. I know it sounds silly. I mean, in the back of my mind, I knew that time was coming. It had to be -- he is almost 16 years old, after all. Still, I had done a very good job of pretending it would never happen. Now, I can no longer do this, and ... well, I have to admit it kind of pisses me off. The truth has a way of doing that, don't you think?

I learned I am nowhere near the kind of person I need to be. I spent a lot of time reaching out to people over the year, only to feel like most of my efforts were ignored or very much unappreciated. In my heart, I know this might not be true, but, even if it is true, it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter, because the important thing is that I tried -- that I reached out to someone, and gave it a try. I'm a naturally shy person, and I don't make friends easily, so this was a big thing for me. So, in my heart, I knew, all along, that it didn't matter whether people returned the gesture or not. But, I have to admit, I have become tired of it and, at times, have allowed the bitterness to seep in around the edges a bit. I suppose this is natural and only human ... and, probably, I'm being way too hard on myself. But, all the same, I feel it is a very negative thing about my personality.

I learned it is very easy to become very disillusioned with something you love. I had this happen several times during the year with regard to my writing. I got tired of posting things and getting little to no feedback on them, especially from my family and friends. And, I allowed disillusionment (<-- is that a word? >.O) to set in -- to the point where I have contemplated just giving up, more than once. There have been a lot of times when, in all honesty, it didn't seem worth the struggle or the time or the effort.

But, some good things ...

Thankfully, there are always plenty of positives to balance out the negatives life tosses in your path. I think life, in general, is really wonderful in this regard. Somehow, no matter how bleak things seem, the scales remain balanced. It might not seem like it at the time, but, later on, when I've looked back on things with a bit more perspective, I've always realized that balance was there. This year was no exception.

A couple of weeks ago, my hubby got the promotion he lost out on at the end of last year. So, it was nice and really exciting to see that finally come full circle for him. He deserves it, because he has worked really hard for it.

Also, our legal issues seem to be clearing up on their own -- and in a favorable manner. *knocks on wood* o.o It's one of those "no news is good news" kinds of situations, and we have heard nothing for many months. This is a good thing. A very good thing. I hope it continues this way.

My dog seems to have gotten a bit of a new lease on life. We switched his food to something more easily digestible. He is putting on some weight, able to get up and down on his own, eating well, and walking much better. He recently injured his back, but the vet wasn't too concerned about it. I still know we likely won't have much time with him, but anything we get at this point is a blessing.

One of those friendships that seemed to be on the ropes earlier this year managed to emerge much stronger. My friend and I worked out our issues, and I know I'm a better person for it. Plus, I feel incredibly blessed to have this kind of friendship in my life -- one that can stand the test and trials of time. It made me realize what a true blessing friendship is. Sadly, the other relationship appears to be over -- at least from my end of things. It gets pretty hard to keep on forgiving someone when they do not care how their actions have affected those around them. And, it becomes very hard to continue forgiving when someone who is supposed to be your friend is so wrapped up in their own life that they can't seem to remember you even exist. It is sad to feel a friendship ending. But, at the same time, it's more positive for myself to keep this kind of relationship out of my life. So, I'm trying to look on the bright side of things.

My father and mother both passed one more year cancer free. My mom is now considered in complete remission. My dad, I believe, has two or three more years to go. But, a year of good health for my parents is one of the most wonderful blessings for which I could ask.

I discovered why God makes your kids so darn cute and irresistible. It's so you can survive potty training. >.O Yeah. I started doing the PT with my little princess. So far, it has been a rather trying experience, but it has taught me to perservere, not to mention the value of patience and a very good sense of humor. Why sweat the small stuff, you know?

My little girl continues to amaze and frighten me. Each new day with her is an adventure and a complete blessing. I never expected to feel this kind of love for someone else, and it can be a bit scary. It is, literally, as if God took my heart out of my body, gave it legs, and let it walk around on its own. I feel, more and more every day, that I would give anything for her, and I would do anything for her. Truly, being a mother has been one of the continuing highlights of my year, and each and every day with my daughter is filled with hugs, butterfly kisses, laughter, and more blessings than I can count.

Cel-wise (because what Bish Closet entry would be complete without at least some cel- or sketch-related gab?), I feel I had a pretty good year in 2006. I was lucky enough to get several wishlists, in both cel and sketch form. And, I feel like my gallery has seen some really nice growth, especially considering that, at only a bit over 2 years into this hobby, I'm still a relative newcomer in the game. I don't think my new acquisitions were anything super spectactular, especially compared to what some folks managed to add. But, I love them all ... they are things I had either dreamed of finding or had watched and lusted after for a long time ... and I am very, very happy to have them in my possession. Not to mention feeling very fortunate. I know it sounds dumb, but my little obsession ... er, hobby ... has carried me through some really rough times this year. There have been times when those new acquisitions were my one and only joy. Which, I know, sounds pathetic to be so "into" material things ... but, you know, sometimes, life is just like that. You have to take your joy wherever you can find it.

Anyhow, I set up a little 2006 Retrospective in my Rubberslug Gallery. Take a gander, if you're so inclined.

So, what about 2007?

I'm not really big on resolutions. Usually, I can't manage to keep them, which leads to me feeling icky and bitter. But, I do have a few hopes for the coming year -- maybe I'll even manage to do one or two of these. Heck, if I can even accomplish one, that would be a big, happy deal to me.

I would like to learn to stop expecting things from other people. I know this sounds harsh and mean, but I don't mean it that way. Most of the people I know are very busy, and don't feel they can take the time to return contacts made with them, or whatever. The thing is ... if I go into the whole deal expecting reciprocal treatment, I just end up feeling disappointed and hurt, which, in turn, allows the bitterness to seep through around the edges of my personality, which I hate. Plus, in all honesty, I can sometimes be very slow at returning communications -- something else I would like to work on for the coming year. So, it's not like I don't understand what others are going through. And, it's not like I don't sympathize. The thing is ... I just want things to be on a clean slate for me, mentally, you know? So, if I decide to make a contact, I want to just be honest with myself and do it not expecting a return. That way, I can have the satisfaction of knowing I made an effort for myself. But, if the other person doesn't have time to communicate back ... or doesn't want to, even ... I don't have to feel like it's a reflection of me, somehow. (I'm not sure if this makes sense. I mean, it does in my head ... but I'm not sure I'm explaining it very well. >.O Plus, it's kinda skeery inside my head.)

A corresponding thing to the above paragraph is that I would like to spend less time online. And, I would like to make the time I do spend on the internet more productive. If I want to write in my LJ, which I will probably still do, I don't want to go into it expecting replies from anyone. Because, let's face it -- I'm not gonna get them. I'm tired of beating myself up over the fact that I'm uninteresting. I just need to accept that, you know? Embrace my "uninteresting-ness" and go on with my life. So, I want to do the LJ thing for me ... not in an effort to make or keep friends, or to keep up with the friends I have. For me, I think this is the only way keeping my LJ open will be productive. I have thought about closing it. But, really, I do enjoy rambling out about different things in here, and, when I thought about it, I realized it didn't matter to me if anyone else cared or not. So, I would like to just keep that thought in my mind in the future. (Again, I'm not sure if this makes any sense or not. o.o)

But, I do realize I have let online time take me away from my writing. I'm not sure why I do this. I think, somewhere inside myself, I'm afraid of really trying ... afraid to really put forth an effort with regard to my writing. Because, now, I can at least pretend. I haven't failed yet, so I can pretend I am good at something. I can pretend this thing that matters so much to me is something I really can do. But, if I try -- if I hang myself out there and truly make an effort only to fail -- then the dream's over, you know? Then, I'll have to live with the realization that's always sitting in the back of my mind, whispering at me -- that I'm not any good at much of anything ... that I'm a nobody and destined to be a nobody. The thing is, though, if I don't try, I've already failed. And, I'm already nobody, which isn't really a bad thing to be. So, what's the worst that could happen, right? I continue to be nobody. I suppose I can live with that. Heck, I already live with that. *nervous laugh* So, I would like to put forth a bit more effort in the coming year for my writing. Maybe get on a better schedule, so that I can really use my very limited free time to the best advantage. I would like to finish my book. I would like to finish up a few original fiction projects that are rattling around in my head. And, I would like to finish up some fanfiction, too -- although I already think it's, likely, more than a bit foolish for me to continue participating in that particular genre. Still ... I do enjoy writing them. Maybe I'll just stop posting them. I don't know yet, actually. I haven't thought that far ahead on things.

I was debating over closing my writing journal. I don't think anyone is much interested in it, judging from the crickets eating their way through the small number of entries in there. But, I opened the thing more for myself than anything else ... so I think I'll keep it up. Maybe I'll change it to a private journal or something. I don't know. It's kind of a new thing, so I need to give myself some more time to think on it.

In general, I hope I can learn to be a more forgiving and patient person in 2007. This is something I feel I always need to work on, and something I never think I quite manage to achieve. Hopefully, when I look back on 2007 at the end of next December, I will feel like I've made improvement in this area. That would be a good thing.

And, I guess that's it. I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of it right now. Which is a good thing, since this entry is already way too long. Kudos to anyone who managed to stick it out to the end. You're a better person than I am, that's for sure. ^.~

Oh! I know! A reward!! *passes out platter of Christmas cookies* =P

Happy New Year to everyone. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend ... and I hope the new year is filled with blessings for all of us. *big gloms*

It is 2:42 in the AM here at my house. I just finished the first round of present-wrapping, so we could box things up and send them off to our families in Texas. I still have not gotten all the presents for our daughter. I still have not baked the obligatory Christmas-cookies-with-sprinkles. We still have not looked at any sparkly Christmas lights. So much to do ... so little time.

...

It's almost enough to make you hate the holiday, you know? Luckily, we have managed to avoid the hell that is The Mall. So far. I think I'll have to go there next week, though. I want to get a certain thing for my hubby, and I have to go there for it. I'm afraid I might not make it out alive. O.O The Mall scares me, even on the best of days. During the "holiday rush" ... well, it's like Hell On Earth.

...

I am so tired ... I don't even know what I'm typing. I'm just sitting here, mindlessly rambling along. Pretty scary, huh? Oh ... before I forget, though: My hubby -- he's been in bed for a while now. Yeah. In my next life, I'm coming back as a man. Definitely. Or a cat. A cat with a very good owner. I'm still debating.

...

Oooh! But some happy-happy-joy-joy sqweels at my house today, for I received a surprise package from the ever-sneaky, yet oh-so-delightful baakay, with a little help from the also-very-sneaky, yet-quite-delightful (for a vampire bear) dhampir_ronin. A wonderful, totally sqwee-worthy watercolor painting of my favorite assassin boi. Yep -- Aya, in living color, and looking adorable as heck.

Come Sqwee With Me!

I have no idea how Baakay knew I had this whole Aya fetish going on, though. I mean, I think I hide it so well. *fangirlsnicker*

...

OK. Well, that's about all I can think of to ramble on about. This has already been one darn strange entry. But, oh well ... 'tis the Spirit of Christmas, whapping me over the head. Ho!Ho!Ho!

Eh, OK. Not really. I mean, I'm a stay-at-home mom, which means I don't get holidays ... or vacations, for that matter. But, for some reason this little title just popped into my head, and it's so geeky and cliched that ... well, I had to use it. *gigglesnicker*

I haven't been around LJ much lately. (Although it's likely no one noticed my absence. =P) And, actually, I've been pretty much a hermit in all my online activities. I'm not sure why. Thanksgiving was nice and quiet. We stayed here in Virginia, as opposed to traveling to San Antonio to be with our extended families. It was really wonderful and special to have the time with just my hubby and our daughter. We went to eat at a lovely (and very good) restaurant and, in general, had a quiet family weekend. An extended weekend, since hubby got to take off from the Wednesday before T-day to the Monday after. I was glad to have him around, since he's been working such crazy hours lately, and he needed the break.

Our holiday activities are in full swing ... but I'll probably post more about that later on.

But, even with the nice Thanksgiving holiday and the approach of Christmas, over which my kiddo is very, very excited, I find I've been in a rather ... well, "not nice" mood lately. I'm not sure I quite approach "BAH! HUMBUG!" standards, but I think I've been getting pretty close to sliding right down that slippery slope. Holiday "chores" are piling up. I can't seem to catch up on my housework. I am not sleeping. My dog is sick. My kiddo is sick. My hubby is sick. I have lists and lists of things to do for Christmas and neither the time nor the desire to do them. And, to top it all off, I have been engaged in one of the most ridiculously fool-hardy projects I've ever taken on.

All right -- that's probably going a bit too far. But, still, it was a monster of a project.

I'm talking about the "re-do" on my Rubberslug cel gallery. I closed down just before Thanksgiving and, really, did not expect to open up again until after Christmas. There were just a lot of piddly maintenance-type things I had intended to do for a long time -- things I kept putting off. Now, I realize I put them off with good reason. This is a lot of freaking work! >.O

Thanks to my ongoing insomnia and my frustration with my writing muses, I have been able to finish the redo ahead of schedule. At least something good came out of all that mental torture. *nervous laugh* I re-opened the gallery today -- well, around 6:30 this morning, my time ... which is when I finished the last of the changes. I think I managed to complete all of the cosmetic changes, although I remain nervous that something slipped past my notice. Pretty easy, actually, with a project this large. Still, I think I'm happy with the results, and I'm really happy I managed to finish so quickly. (Although I think that probably says a lot about my horribly obsessive-compulsive nature. *sweatdrop*)

I also added a few new things ... sort of a "re-do" celebration. *snicker*

New Arrivals (Everything in this section was added today, although I already blogged in here about the Orphen cel. *snuggles with growly Orphen plastik*)

Oh! And, a bit more postive-ness popped up late, late last night. Or, maybe it was early this morning. I forget. Anyhow ...

I've been thinking of writing a WK Christmas story. Sort of a little one-shot for the holidays-sort of thing. But, I couldn't come up with an idea for it. Well, thanks to Blade-chan's "accidentally goth" Aya drawing (which, I might add, I'm sure is just gorgeous -- no matter what bladedfan says ^.~), I now have an idea. Yes! A WK Christmas fic idea! Wheee!

Ooh! Oooh! And, I won a loverly Tactics rilezu of Haruka. Whoopee for "Buy It Now" on ebay! *ebilsnicker*

Maybe this is the end of the "November Doldrums" and the beginning of "Happy Happy Joy Joy Time" over in Tex's universe.

...

Uh, yeah, OK ... I know ... I shouldn't get carried away. *snicker*

I think I would like to make a thousand paper cranes. I'm not sure why, really.

Perhaps the pounding rain we're having today has turned me a bit melancholy -- grayed up my feelings, to go along with the gray, blustery day. But, there is so much ick in the world. People hating each other -- for no reason, other than skin color or hair color or eye color or religion. People running around and doing the most unspeakable things to each other, for no other reason than the fact that they can ... because some people have power and others don't. And, then, I look at my little daughter, who is innocent and beautiful, and I think about how she is going to have to change to fit into this world. How she is going to have to lose some of her innocence and joy, some of that pure beauty, just so she can survive. It just ... breaks me, you know? Just rips the heart right out of me. I would do anything to protect my child. I never understood this kind of love before becoming a mom, but, now, it's overwhelming. I can't believe I didn't always feel this way. I would do anything for her. Anything to protect her. And, yet, I can't protect her from this world. She has to live in it, which means she has to come to understand it -- all of it, including the ugliness.

But, there is beauty in the world, too. I think it gets lost a lot of the time, but it's there -- quiet and unassuming, just beneath the surface.

Maybe that's why I want to make the paper cranes -- because of the ick in the world, in general. I mean, no one I know personally is ill, but the world certainly is. It's a good way to remember how there is beauty and grace left all around me. A reminder of how I can find it in the small things in life. And, maybe, it'll help me remember I can find grace and beauty within myself, too ... within my own soul. It seems quite basic, but I forget that sometimes.

Whatever my convoluted reasoning, it's something I've thought of doing for a while. To see if I can do it. And, maybe, as tangible evidence of one person's hope for peace in this world. One person's reminder that beauty, joy, and grace exist even in the smallest things ... and, if that's true, hate can never win. I guess that's kinda dumb and pretty sappy, too. I mean, one person and a bunch of paper birds aren't going to make a heck of a lot of difference in the general state of things. Even so, it's something I can do ... a physical manifestation of the longing in my heart and of the sadness I feel about how the world is going right now. And, in that way, maybe it will make a difference. To me, anyhow.

So ... a thousand paper cranes. Do you think I can do it?