texchan: aya with his bazooka, from WK OP #2 (Holy Grail Cel)
[personal profile] texchan
I think it is impossible to let go. To really and truly lose something or someone you love and be all right with it. To find peace and feel the sting of grief leave your life. Because it just fucking hurts. At first, it hurts every day. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day. It almost feels like something big and strange and shadowy has moved in and swallowed your life. But that passes. It does, even though you don't think it will. It's like you hope it will pass, but when you're there -- in the middle of it all -- you can't really bring yourself to believe it will actually pass you by and leave you in peace. Because the hurt is all you have. Because the hurt eclipses your good, happy memories. Because the hurt feels like the last thing you have left of what you lost, and you cling to it. You don't want to admit that's what you're doing, but it is. Later -- when you can see the memories and the good times again -- you'll realize that's true. But not at first.

And things get better. Slowly. You don't think about it every day. And then, you don't think about it even every other day. And your life adjusts and changes. And eventually you can remember your lost one without crying. You can even think of them without feeling sad. This is a good thing, and you think it means you're stronger ... that, finally, you've healed.

But, really, I don't think that pain ever goes away. It's always there, right under the surface -- lurking, like some great, shadowy beast that can eat away at the facade you show the world. And there's no telling what might bring it out again. Like for me today ... something as simple as cleaning out the garage. And finding an old box of dog toys -- collecting dust and unused. Just sitting in the garage, taking up space, really. And my dad tells me: "You should throw those out." And I know I can't do it. My eyes fill with tears and I run from the garage ... only to lock myself in the office and cry like my heart is breaking. Because it is, somehow. It shouldn't be, but it is. I can feel it.

It really shouldn't hurt this much. Not any more. Not after two years have passed.

*sigh*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-06 04:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tex-chan.livejournal.com
*hugs back*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-04 09:37 pm (UTC)
ext_38010: (Little Prince)
From: [identity profile] summer-queen.livejournal.com
*hugs you*

I know what you mean -- I found a stash of old photos of my little Bakazaru last night and they made me so sad. It is better, but it'll never be the same. :(

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-06 04:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tex-chan.livejournal.com
*hugs you, too*

Old photos are really hard, too. I have an easier time with them now, but it took a LONG time before I could look at them without crying. Of course, I found some on the day I made this entry ... and they made me cry more, since I was already upset. It's weird how things seem just fine, but then the littlest things can just kind of sneak up to bite you when you least expect it.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-04 10:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ravenmichiru.livejournal.com
You love him. Nothing is going to stop that. If it hurts it means you care. Don't let his memory fade.

*hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-06 04:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tex-chan.livejournal.com
*hugs*

I do still love him, even though he's gone. It's weird how it is still hard, even after two years have gone by. *sigh*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-05 03:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] genuinelie.livejournal.com
:-( *BIG HUGE HUGS*

I really understand. I miss my old kitty so much. There's just no replacing companions.

*GLOMP*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-06 04:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tex-chan.livejournal.com
*GLOMS*

You are so right. It's impossible to replace a companion like that. Not that I don't love my current dog. I do love her. But it's just ... different.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-06 04:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hotice80.livejournal.com
*BIG HUGS*
I know exactly how you feel. I still my our family dog from 13 years ago, Giget a Sheltie. Time heals, but doesn't ever seem to really cure. The pain and stinging of knowing that she is gone, and I will never see her again. The happy/sad mixture of seeing a Nerf football on store shelves still hits me today. Just like I know seeing little crab toys for dogs will always bring about that happy/sad mixture, for missing Maija.

*hugs again*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-06 04:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tex-chan.livejournal.com
*hugs back*

Oh man ... yes. I know what you mean. I still feel sad and cry over my childhood dog, and he died many, many years ago. I think it's always hard to lose one, and that feeling just never really goes away. You're right, though, things get better. Maybe I'll eventually get to the point where I won't cry so much over him.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-06 11:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tai-meyer.livejournal.com
*BIGHUGS*

That is one of the best, truest, and most moving descriptions of grief I have ever seen.

I still have a dead battery sitting on the bookshelf that was in a clock of my Grandmothers. When I had to change tje battery, I couldn't bear to throw it away since she had touched it. And that was almost two years after her death.

The most special ones always leave the biggest hole. *morehugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-06 04:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tex-chan.livejournal.com
*hugs back*

I totally understand the battery story you mentioned. I would do that, too. Just ... for some reason, it becomes impossible to throw things out. Even if you know you should. Maybe one day, we'll both be ready to take that step.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-08 10:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kayion.livejournal.com
:hugs:

I understand how you feel perfectly. And it doesn't matter how long it's been. I still hear my little dog sometimes, his nails on the floor when he would prance around asking me to sneak him something. I can still hear it sometimes and even now I have to go in the kitchen and see if it's him. Even though it's been nearly seven years... I think when it's one that's so special, you just can't forget them. And you always miss them. It's so sad, but it does get easier like you said... there are just times when it sneaks up on you again. Don't ever get rid of the little things you have to remember. you'll need them, and want them always.

I hope you can remember the good times through the sadness and hold on to them. :hug:

(no subject)

Date: 2009-12-09 03:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tex-chan.livejournal.com
I think that's why it gets to me so much -- because I'm just not expecting it or mentally/emotionally ready for it when this stuff hits me. And it hits me so hard.

I feel a little guilty, really, that I still feel this way. He's been gone for two years now. It just seems like I should be ... I dunno ... better, or stronger, or something. But I also know I'll probably never really get over losing him. He and I just went through way too much together. And he was like my kid before I had kids. Just ... losing him was hard. And it still is.

Anyhow ... thanks for the comforting comment. *HUGS*

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