The Edge

We dropped the parental units off at the airport this evening. Another visit survived. I enjoy seeing them, but there are also things about them being here that are difficult for me. I'll just fall back on my old, stand-by mantra: "You can't go home again," and leave it at that. 'Nuff said. Overall, I think it was a pretty good visit. They enjoyed being with the child unit, and she always loves seeing them. I never really had grandparents, so I think it's important for my kiddo to spend as much time as she can with them. It's something I always feel like I missed out on, and something I wish I would have had. And, in spite of my own emotional difficulties with an extended visit, I enjoyed seeing them, too. They're my parents. At the end of the day, I love them. I may not understand them most of the time, but the love is still there.

I'm looking forward to life, in general, getting back to normal around here. After waving them through airport security, I felt this sense of calm settle over me. It's hard to explain, but sort of a feeling of peace and well-being that had been lacking over the past few weeks. Just this feeling of everything once again being all right with the world. Once more, I could walk into my home and feel it was truly mine. I could put things where I wanted. I could speak my dreams aloud without anyone telling me I was silly or that it would never work. Just, overall, relief at the idea that things would be "normal" again. I don't think you can put a price on that, really. I've come to realize it's one of the most precious feelings in life -- so precious that we often take "normal" for granted. And yet, "normal" is beautiful. It means something. It counts for something.

Tomorrow, I should get busy on some of the projects I want to do around the house. I need to clean (again) our bedroom. Hubby is a world-class clutterer. I need to pull the books off the shelves here in the office and restack them. I need to do the same thing to my big armoire, which was supposed to be my "clothes closet" but has ended up as the repository for most of the things I hold dearest in life. Any little thing or treasure I get finds its way in there ... "for safekeeping", I whisper to myself. I guess I'm a hoarder at heart. I do the same thing with my desires and dreams. I hoard them away in my heart and mind, too scared to speak them aloud, lest I watch them float away and pop in thin air -- no more substantial than the soap bubbles I played with when I was a kid. I need to write. I so, so, so need to write. Like a burning ache inside of me, all the more painful for having been kept from it for so many days.

Yet, I know it's more likely than not that I won't do any of these things. Instead, I'll curl up with Fae on the sofa in the downstairs family room. If it's chilly, we'll turn on the heater and fight over who gets to sit closest to it. I'll have a Coke or a glass of iced tea handy. I'll listen to the rain patter against the roof and slush down the gutters. And I'll spend the fleeting free moments of my day flipping through the Tivo selections recorded there -- deleting some and watching others. And, in that way, reclaiming my space.

It's 3:27 AM. I'm tired, but, of course, just can't get myself to go to bed. I hate that. I really do. I have no idea what is wrong with me that I can't convince myself to go to bed at a decent time. Bah.

I've been trying to implement a new writing plan -- get up in the AM at least a couple of hours before the kiddo. That way, I have some quiet time in which to write. I managed to do it today, and got a little bit done. Sadly, my character is being a bit uncooperative at the moment. Hopefully he'll be nicer tomorrow. Maybe, if I get up enough mornings in a row, I'll start going to bed at a decent time. This would be good. I think. It is a "day person's" world, after all. >.O I hate that, but it's a fact of life. *sigh*

I got an unpleasant email today. From someone who, I hope, will not contact me again. I hate it when a friendship goes bad, but I really hated hearing from them, too. I emailed them back; I figured it was the most "right" thing to do in the situation. But, my email was not friendly, and should not encourage future contact.

To balance out that yuckola, I found another site that has some of my fanfics rec'd on it. I'm such a total geek, but that made me sqweel in happiness. It always surprises me when someone likes my work enough to recommend it. It's a good kind of surprise, but ... still, a surprise. I'm really grateful, though, when people want to read -- and even more so when they enjoy the stories.

And, I just got confirmation that I will be able to get a cel I've been coveting for a while off of a dealer's site. I can't wait to send the payment off tomorrow, and am really excited to get something from this particular movie. YAY!

Still watching Louie the Rune Soldier. I'm on disc 5 of 6, and ... yep, still enjoying it.

And, well, that's it for now. I know -- soooo boring. *cries*

There is no hell quite like Elmo hell. I say this from experience. My daughter is sitting here, on the floor behind my chair in the office, playing with her Elmo toy. Her talking-out-loud-singing-in-that-irritating-voice Elmo toy. I'm sitting here having very strong homicidal thoughts.

Yep. Elmo Hell.

*sigh*

First off, a big thank you to the folks who commented to my last, emo-whiny blog. It means a lot that y'all care, that you can understand what I'm going through, and that you were willing to offer your support and good advice.

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Anyhow, on to more inane babbling. Yep, that's right. It's "Something about Nothing" time here in the Bish Closet.

I was watching that show "Crossing Jordan" the other day. I never watched it during its first run. I saw the premier and it turned me off on the show, so I didn't tune in again. But, now that it's on A&E, I happened to catch a random episode one afternoon. I liked it. It was later in the series, and the characters had mellowed out to where the entertainment factor could show through. The show has a decent plot and fairly decent scripts. But the reason I keep on tuning in from time to time is because of the really odd workplace relationships that happen on there. I mean, these people are more like family members than co-workers. And, I can't help but wonder if that ever happens in real life.

It's never happened to me. I've never directly worked with anyone I would think of as family. I did manage to stay in the same room with most of them without having murderous thoughts, and, believe me, considering the people I used to work for/with, that's saying a lot. But caring about them outside of work ... not so much. I can't think of even one of these co-workers (and there have been many over the years) with whom I would choose to spend free time. I mean, when I was working, my free time was spent NOT thinking about work. Makes me wonder if jobs really exist where people like their co-workers enough to think of them as "family". Heck, I'm not sure I even like my family that much, come to think of it.

Huh. Maybe I'm a bit anti-social. *nervous laugh*

Kind of bummed on the cel front recently. I lost a YJ auction that I had really hoped to win. I should have known better, though, as I don't exactly have tons of fundage available to me right now for the hobby. Plus, there is that whole thing about how I'm supposed to be on a break from acquiring new things. My "break" has turned out to be more like a severe "slo-down". Gah. I'm so weak. >.O

Still, it was irritating to get outbid in the last few minutes of the auction. And, although I know it's wrong, it irritated me even more because of who outbid me. I get so tired of always losing to this person. Plus, they have a gallery where the cels reside with no commentary. I'm all for people maintaining their cel galleries any way they choose. Don't get me wrong. But it does make me sad when a cel that I loved goes into one of these no-comment collections. It's kind of hard to explain, I guess.

I also lost out on a private sale. There is this one particular series that I know I should not try collecting. I mean, everyone and their dog collects from it; prices are sky high as a result; and, well, I often feel a little guilty (more than a little, really) in spending that kind of money on something that seems not so rare -- because, as I said, practically everyone and their dog has cels from this show in their gallery. And yet, I love the show. I always have. I would love to have a beautiful collection from it; it's kind of a closet desire of mine. But I think fate is against it. I almost always lose out on the cels I want from this show, which happened again recently. The good thing is that I got a bit lucky -- another collector offered me a "consolation" cel from the same sequence. They are very similar, so I don't feel as bad about losing out. A happy ending, overall, although coming in second always sucks.

But, on the "plus" side of the collecting game, I did add some fun Weiss Kreuz sketches into my gallery recently. They are a bit odd, I realize, but I absolutely love them. And I had a lot of fun captioning them. I'll add links behind an LJ-cut. ^.^

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I started watching Peacemaker Kurogane three nights ago -- another purchase from the ADV sale. I've been averaging about a disc a night, so I'm up to disc 4 now. I find the show a bit confusing at times, although that could be because the cast tended to confuse me a bit. At first, everyone looked the same, so it was hard to remember names, etc. (I feel stupid for admitting this, honestly. *sweatdrop*) Now, though, several episodes in, I am doing much better at the names. I still find the plot a bit confusing. There are a lot of little, dangling strings, and I hope the show manages to wind all of them up by the end. I'm worried about that, as I know there is a manga for this one. Often, if there is a manga, the show leaves a lot hanging. I am totally wild for Hijikata, though. He's far and away my favorite character from the show. Heh, I guess I just like the grumpy guys. *fangirl snickering*

My kiddo comes home tomorrow. It's been nice having some kid-free time, but I'm so glad she is finally coming home. Sounds dumb to say it, since she's only been gone for two weeks. But this two weeks has felt like an eternity. I miss her little smiling face, and I can't wait to see her. I think she is ready to come home, too. I talk to her on the phone every night, and she gets weepy whenever we have to hang up. I think two weeks might have been too long for a "solo visit". The only bad thing is that my mom is staying on for another week after bringing her home. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom, but I still haven't recovered from the emotional wringer of her five-week visit that just happened. Must. Be. Strong. O.O

Wow, I totally fail at the whole title thing, don't I? >.O

I hadn't expected to do another gallery update/addition so soon after my last one, but my Rinkya package arrived this past Sunday, coinciding nicely with the start of my child-free "vacation". (My daughter is off visiting my parents in Texas.) So I figured no time like the present and scanned stuff in. The Rinkya package was pretty small, as I've been trying hard not to be as active with buying things. To round things out, I finally worked up the courage to post a few things I've had for a while but never updated. Well, "worked up the courage" isn't quite right. These are the cels I wrote about several months ago -- the ones I purchased from a former friend who ended up, basically, trying to cheat me out of the money I had paid her. It took about 9 months for the cels to reach me ... and another 7 or so before I could look at them without being angry. The situation still hurts; I don't suppose you ever get over being treated like that by someone you trusted. But the pain has dulled a bit -- at least enough that I can look at the cels now and enjoy them. And I suppose I should feel lucky I got my cels at all; another friend of mine has been waiting for over a year for her stuff from this person.

So, the newest new stuff:

Card Captor Sakura:
Kero-chan
Yukito with Teddy Bear
Yukito, ep. 65
Yukito transformation, ep. 65
Toya Movie Cel

Fushigi Yuugi:
Hotohori

Nightwalker:
Shido Genga

Saiyuki:
Yaone Repro

Weiss Kreuz:
Aya

In other news, I looked up the tracking info for my DVD "swag". It's on schedule to deliver July 5. This sucks in a couple of ways. First, it means no new anime to take with me on our trip. Second, I won't be here to rescue the box from my front step. I'm sure the UPS guy will just drop it there and leave, and our pet sitter doesn't come to check on the cat until after 6. We've had a couple of thefts recently -- nothing major, just bizarre stuff like the squirter thing off my hose and some of our outside lights. I know it has to be kids stealing stuff "just because they can". But I worry a box sitting unattended will be too much of a temptation for them. I hope my DVDs don't go missing.

We are scheduled to leave on July 4. I'm not even sure what time, but I guess I should try to pack tonight. Although I've been looking forward to the trip, I have no desire to pack because I'm sick. I have no idea how it happened -- maybe a total allergy overload that turned into a cold or something. But I feel icky and would rather stay home. Hubby asked last night if we should cancel the trip, but I didn't have the heart to tell him yes. I do not feel up to going, and I fear flying will be a special kind of hell. At the same time, he has really been excited about it, and I couldn't ruin it for him. I'm hoping massive doses of Dayquil and sleeping a lot will go a long way toward helping me to feel better. Bad thing is that you really can't do much for a cold. Just have to let it run its course. Hubby doesn't get this, as he rarely gets sick. And he gives me the distinct feeling that he believes I did this "on purpose" to ruin the trip. Bleh.

One good thing that has come of not feeling well is that, last night, I got to watch a lot of the Bleach episodes I had Tivo'd. Nothing better than lying in bed watching anime with the cat. Hee.

"She shot me in the hat."

Yeah, well, never fear. I'm almost out of Due South quotes. Plus, I'm not feeling terribly creative today, as you can tell from both the quote and the title for this particular entry.

Remodeling hell is almost over. All the floors are down now. All that is left is the molding in the hallway. Now, we start on the looooong process of putting everything back just the way it was. I think it's going to take forever,and I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me it'll never be "exactly" the way I had it before. Sure, maybe I'll find a way to fit everything back in. And, sure, maybe I'll be just as happy with it, but it'll never feel "right" to me. I hate it when my stuff gets moved around. It's one of my odder compulsions, I guess. It's hard to describe adequately, but it makes me feel unbalanced. Like, I will walk into the room and just feel that things are "off" somehow. Kind of like the world tilted a little to far to the left, or something. Knowing how I feel about it, I should have drawn out a schematic of where everything went before I took it off the shelves. But, stupid me, I stumbled ahead, just pulling crap off the shelves willy-nilly and paying no mind to where things were when I picked them up. I thought I would remember. After all, I spent three weeks getting this office "just so". I should have known better. Of course, I had a lot of "help", too. Having hubby help with the unloading process did not leave any time or room to sit down and draw diagrams. He's more of an "action jackson" kind of guy. Not so much into the planning aspect of anything.

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I'm still reading "New Moon", the sequel to "Twilight". It is a slower read than the first novel. Partly because I have to keep stopping to do floor stuff. But, partly because one of my favorite characters has not been in the story very much. I'm closing in on page 400, and am just now seeing the first signs of his appearance. I'm looking forward to him showing up again, though. Hee.

I spent an entire day this week cleaning my house. I know there are people out there who spend several days every week doing nothing but housework. I'll freely admit I'm not one of them. Never have been. Never will be. I don't enjoy housework. I don't get any sense of fulfillment from it. Maybe I could, if not for one simple fact -- people live in the house. It's hard to find satisfaction or fulfillment in a job well done when you know everything will be a wreck about ten minutes after you finish. Fifteen, on a good day. I have a messy family. A husband who doesn't make the slightest effort to pick up after himself, and a three-year-old daughter. My daughter tries, but, really, she is only three. She is definitely on the right track, though. My hubby, whom I love with all my heart, is from the "everything needs to be visible" school of thought. His idea of organizing things is to put them in piles. Lots of piles. Everywhere. I kind of like things put away, so the piles ... well, they don't work for me. I look it as kind of an ongoing cold war between the two of us, or something. Hey, we're "old married" people. We have to do something for entertainment. =P

The funny thing about housecleaning, though, is that there is this feeling of ... Well, I'm not sure how to explain it. It's not satisfaction with having a clean house. It's not happiness over getting the job done. It's this sort of peaceful-ish feeling that can descend upon me in the midst of my "house cleaning rage". Kind of like a "zen", but not really. Maybe the best way to describe it is this feeling of connection with the house. In the midst of crawling around on my floors dusting the baseboards, or climbing the stairs on my knees in order to vacuum them, I will suddenly remember why I love this house. It's a house that feels good. One of those buildings that you put on when you walk into it, just one of those places where you feel at home as soon as you walk in. Or, at least that's the way I've always felt about it. And, looking into every nook and cranny reminds me of that. It reminds me of the hours I spent painting the walls ... of the love that went into the wooden floor my dad laid for us ... of the hopes, dreams, and anxieties I had on the night I painted the mural in my daughter's bedroom -- the night before she was born ... of the happiness and excitement my hubby and I had upon getting this place, our first home ... of the joy and, yes, fear I felt the first night we brought our little daughter home from the hospital ... of the hours spent laying on the floor with her, reading books and talking about her favorite things, like elephants and the color pink ... of the last moments I spent on Earth with my precious dog Tex, right there on our family room floor ... and so many more things, I don't think I can even begin to list them all here.

And then it hits me. A house isn't just brick and mortar. It isn't just four walls and a roof and windows and insulation. It's a living, breathing thing. It's love. Love that makes us take this step and buy into the "American Dream". Love that makes us plan on new cabinets and new flooring and new paint -- "someday". Love that makes us overlook a leaky window in favor of how good a house feels when you walk into it. Love that makes us sense that happiness, in the first place. Love that makes us want to paint and paper and put in new floors and countertops, all with our own hands. Not just because it's cheaper than hiring someone to do it, but because it's that important. Too important to miss out on the experience.

Yeah, I'm not much for cleaning. But I do love this house. And the family that resides within it. Sometimes, it's nice to remember the "little" things, don't you think?

(Cross-posted to my GJ ... because I can.)

Feeling less than coherent today. I woke up knowing it would rain. How did I know, you ask? Well, my sinuses told me so. Yeah, so not fun.

I've been stumbling around the house all day (OK, not really, but it feels that way) with a monster of a headache. It stared out as a "simple" sinus thing. I use that term very loosely, because, as anyone with sinus issues knows, there is nothing simple about it. The good news is that the sinuses aren't throbbing quite so badly. The bad news is that I think this headache might be heading into migraine territory. I know I should just give up and lie down, but there is so much I want to do. And I have so little truly "free" time. So, I'll probably keep going, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge my headache until it knocks me on my butt, but good. Hopefully I'll get at least a couple of things accomplished before that happens. I am going to go take a Motrin in just a moment, though. Maybe it'll help, if I catch things quickly enough.

My houseguests left yesterday, so the house is, once again, "mine". My daughter quickly asserted her domination over the living space by "decorating" it to her personal tastes. Yep. Toys all over the place, on all three floors. Usually, I would pick up as soon as she got done playing in one room, but I just haven't felt like it. So, the toys are there for the time being. Hopefully, I'll get a little burst of energy over the weekend and at least get the remaining clutter straightened. I have to put away the kiddo's toys, plus undo all the cluttering that my guests did. I have about a week or two before my mom comes for her visit. Yep. May is a busy month at my house this year. o.O

I found this Aya image that I loved on my computer. I had downloaded it a long time ago, and it's got to be one of my fave images of him. So, I decided to play around with making a wallpaper out of it. It's been ages since I last made one of these things. Probably at least a year, maybe longer. In working on this one, I remembered why I stopped. Because I suck. Yes, when it comes to graphic arts, I am made of fail. *sigh* Ah well ... I'll keep plugging away at it. Maybe I'll come up with something. In the meantime, it gives me a good excuse to stare at a favorite picture of my favorite (so very not real - more's the shame) anime boy. Thus, life is good.

I recently got my Rinkya package in, as well as a lovely little Aya cel that I purchased from a dear friend. So, I did a gallery update. I posted links in a friends post (thanx to the RS troll issues I had been having), but thought I would include a shout-out here, too. I know of a few folks who drop by here and either don't have an LJ account, or don't log in.

I got a bit more done on my original fic. Still plugging away on it, little by little. I currently have this idea for a WK fanfic screaming away in my brain. Stupid story is so insistent it's starting to write itself in my head. So, I may have to suspend original fic efforts for a day or two so that I can write it and just be done with it. *screams at fic idea* GET OUT OF MY HEAD, DAMN YOU!!

We had a fun little outing to Borders last night. Fun, because hubby came, too, and he took the kiddo upstairs to look at her books, leaving me free to browse. Almost an entire hour, spent quietly browsing in my favorite book store. It was practically Heaven on Earth. Heh. I also found the latest book in the "Fortress" series by C.J. Cherryh: Fortress of Ice. I was totally pumped. I love that series, and didn't even realize there was a new book out for it. Yes, I'm out of touch. >.O

And, that's it from my corner of the universe. Boring, right? Yeah, I know. Boring. =P

Have you ever had an experience that was so deeply moving that it touched you in a way that was ... well, for lack of a better word, "spiritual"? I'm not talking about some kind of "come to Jesus" type of epiphany. I'm talking about something that seems like "nothing" at the time. Something that is so commonplace you don't think twice about it, until you realize it has crawled inside your heart and soul and taken up residence there.

Well, I did. Today. With a song.

It's a song that always has an incredibly profound effect on me. But, today, when I heard it, I don't know. It's as if this song ... the way the artist sang it ... something ... poured into me. It made me feel things I don't want to feel. It made me think things I don't want to think.

Most of the time I feel like I have things pretty much under control. I have this very bad habit of keeping my feelings hidden, sometimes even from myself. I'll think everything is all right, and then ... BOOM. Something like this happens, and it all comes pouring out. Everything I feel but don't want to feel. Everything I've lost. Everything I miss. Everything I mourn. Everything I hope for. Everything I dream. Everything I fear. It's as if my soul is laid bare, and I look at my life -- the things I've surrounded myself with, the things I dream and hope for the future, just, everything -- and I realize it's so fragile. Nothing but a house of cards that can all tumble down on me at any moment.

It's now been almost an hour since I heard that song. And, I'm still crying.

Yeah, so, I finally gave in and joined "The Collective" -- better known as My Space. I was resistant to it for quite some time, as, quite frankly, that site scares me. I mean, it's so big and always gave me the impression that it was full of strange internet types, lurking around every corner, so to speak. (No offense meant to anyone on my friends list who also happens to be on MySpace; just remember I'm an old coot here, right?) Which leads to my other big reason for hesitating over joining up -- I suspect I'm way, way too old for that site. I mean, I don't party or do wild and wacky things, or whatever. I'm an almost 40-year-old, stay-at-home mom, for crying out loud! Heck, even when I was in my 20s, I was probably "too old" for that site. Let's face it: I'm a boring person. Way, way boring.

But, my two favorite cousins, who are funny, wacky chicks and whom I adore, are both on the site. They both emailed and asked me to join ... so, I did. Here's the linky-loo for my "Profile" page: http://www.myspace.com/texscloset

Don't expect anything too stunning or, well, too "anything". As anyone who has ever waded through this LJ knows, I'm boring to the core.

I'm not really sure if I'll use the site that much, as I really like LiveJournal. But, it's a nice way to see pics and keep up with my cousins.

On the down side, I got a friends request from a complete stranger. Thinking that I might "know" them from my internet cel or fanfiction ramblings, I checked them out, but nothing looked at all familiar. It kind of freaked me out, even though I know I'm being a doofus over it. This may be a sign I'm not "cut out" for MySpace-ness.

Anyhooo ... laundry and housework are calling my name. I know I had more to blab on about, but I can't think of it now. You know what they say: A mind is a terrible thing to waste. So, so true. o.O