Babbling ...

I've been rather bummed lately. Actually "bummed" isn't an accurate description; it goes much deeper and the feelings are much stronger than that. Something akin to having been flayed alive and seeing all of your own emotions, negative feelings, whatever set out there on public display. Things have just been "too much".

My mom visited for 5 weeks in May and June, which, you would think, would be a good thing. I mean, she is willing to help with the housework, and she spends a lot of time with my daughter. This should, in theory, free me up to get some good writing time in. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. Plus, much as I love her, she can be something of an emotional drain. She likes to talk to me about her problems. All her problems. And expects me to reassure her about everything, although she is a first-class worrier, which means there is no way she can ever be truly "reassured". It's tiring and leaves me feeling ... empty and inadequate. I also have a lot of people in my life who like to share all their problems with me. Don't get me wrong. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I like to be there for my friends, when I can. But it is exhausting at times, particularly when I feel like I am getting hit from all sides, which is what has happened for the past few months. Not to mention my own insecurities and emotions, which have been running rampant since Tex's death in February. (I know what you're thinking. I should be over that, already. Well, I'm not.)

Often, when I need to talk or when I need to work through these feelings or when I need to share things in my own life, there is no one around or available for it. It's not that I think people don't care. I do think they care. But I really never get to say much of what is on my mind. Inevitably, when I try to share things that have happened in my life or things I am feeling or going through, the person on the other end just winds up telling me all about themselves, their problems, their whatever. It's like I don't exist, other than as a place for people to put their stray thoughts and feelings. Like I'm not even a real person.

I'm not sure if this makes much sense or not. But the point to this whole thing -- yes, there is a point, scary as that might be -- is that, sometimes, I can't take it any more. Sometimes, I have to pull back -- way, way back -- for my own self preservation. So that I can remind myself I do matter. That I do exist as an individual person and not just as someone who can care about everyone else's problems. And, really, just because I'm tired. I mean, everyone gets tired sometimes, right?

In the midst of all this, my real life has been pretty busy. I posted a couple of times about the flooring project we did in our house. Also, my mother's visit kept me very busy, as well as my dad joining her at the end of June. I've been trying to make a greater effort toward my own writing recently, which means less computer time, in general, but I think it will be worth it, if I can finally feel like I've accomplished something. Hubby and I took a short trip out of town, which I also posted about in here. So, there has been a lot going on, other than my own emo-whininess.

I know some people have noticed my absence in the last few months. I haven't been around online very much. I haven't been returning emails. I haven't been posting in forums, other than the most superficial of comments. I haven't been doing much posting in others' LJs, although I have recently started making an effort to post in my own a little. So, I just wanted to let anyone who was wondering know what has been going on and where I have been. I'm sorry for ignoring everyone, and I'm sorry for taking so long to return emails. I know it's terribly rude of me, and I won't blame any of you if you can't manage to forgive me. I am slowly trying to catch up on old email correspondence, when I have the time and the emotional energy to tackle it. I'm not sure if I'll be able to answer all of it, though. Some of the older emails, I may have to let go without a reply, because it has been such a long time since they were sent. I know it doesn't seem like enough, but I am sorry for that. =(

I'm not sure when things will change for me. Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure they will change. I have always been a very moody person, and I've always been a person who feels things very deeply. I've always been someone who hurts along with whoever I'm trying to listen to or help. None of that is new. But this overwhelming emotional exhaustion is entirely new. I am not sure how to manage it. I just know, for now, that I'm tired. I hope that changes soon, as I would very much like to return to normal. Or, "normal" for me, that is. In the meantime, I hope that people will bear with me a little -- especially for the slow email replies.

I had some other stuff to babble about, but it doesn't seem to fit in here. Plus, this emo-whiny entry has been long enough already. *nervous laugh* Maybe I'll stick it in another entry later on today, or something. Or not.