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Just END, Already!!
Feb. 16th, 2007 10:46 am(x-posted to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
texfic ... because it's a writing thing)
*headdesk*
So, I'm working on this Saiyuki ficlet. For that Sanzo/Jello writing challenge. It's an idea that came to me right away. Even so, I sat around and thought about said idea for a good, ong time -- hoping to come up with a different idea, if the truth be told, but, still, a lot of thought has gone into this one. So, that means, theoretically, it should not be a half-assed idea. I say "theoretically" because this is me writing, after all. o.O *nervous laugh* I started work on the stupid thing in early January, when I was visiting my parents in Texas, and it seemed to flow fairly well.
It is now mid-February, and the damn thing still isn't finished.
Granted, I have not been in the best of places this month, emotionally speaking. The death of My Tex has hit me really, really hard and, it seems, left very little room for any kind of creative activity. I am not sleeping well. I have been having bad dreams ever since he died -- not "bad" as in nightmares, but bad as in panic dreams. The kind that have me waking up gasping for air, clenching my teeth, and certain the world is about to cave in on me. I hate those. And, I'm still weepy at the drop of a hat. So, rationally, I know the words just are not going to flow all that well.
Still, I feel I need to do my best to move on with things. If left to my own devices, I would allow myself to wallow in sorrow for ... well, forever, probably. I know this is something that's very foreign to any non-pet owners or non-animal lovers out there, but I loved him. Let me say it again: I loved him. I still do. There will never be a day that I will not miss him. There will never be a day that I don't wish he was still here with me. There will never be a day I don't think about him. He was with me for almost sixteen years. My constant companion. When I wasn't at work, he was with me -- in the house, running errands, sleeping. Pretty much, all the time, like my shadow. You can't just lose something like that -- something that precious to you -- and not feel it. You can't. And, I know this. Believe me, I know it. To the bottom of my heart and then some.
Still, life goes on. I have a toddler who doesn't understand why Tex isn't here any more. And, more importantly, who doesn't understand why mommy is crying all the time. I have to suck it up, so to speak, for her sake. And, because Tex deserves better, too. He deserves to be remembered for the wonderful, loving being he was, for the important part he played in my life. And, that requires remembering him without crying. Which, I know, is going to take a while. But, I just feel the need to do whatever I can to help myself move along in the hopes of getting to that point, you know?
Writing, for me, is part of that. I don't feel emotionally able right now to handle any original fiction, but, even so, I felt like I could tackle some fanfic. Along with an essay here or there. Not ideal, but still a good way to handle my emotions -- you know, getting them out there on paper.
And, so, I turned to my in-progress Saiyuki ficlet, thinking it would be easy to finish. After all, I had already started it. It was more than half done.
"Easy" is not the word. Although my heart is filled to bursting with emotions, I have found it almost impossible to put words to paper. Just because I can't think of any words. All I can think about, in those quiet times when the words would usually come, is how freaking sad I am. How I miss Tex. How I didn't want things to end this way. How I feel cheated by life.
Still, I soldiered on. I sat there until, finally, some words started breaking through, and I wrote them down. Thank goodness, they actually halfway fit together, but I still think what I've written for it so far is pretty strained. In my mind, it doesn't flow, and it feels forced when I read it. Of course, this could be because I know, damn good and well, that it is forced ... so I may not be looking at it objectively. But, the important thing is that I am writing. Or, trying to write.
Now, though, I'm down to the nitty gritty on this Saiyuki ficlet. It is time for the story to end. It's done. Finished. Finito. Complete.
Except, the story doesn't seem to know that. It won't end! In my mind, I'm so done with this damn thing, and, yet, the story dawdles around, spinning sentence upon sentence out of my frazzled, malfunctioning brain, when I'm sitting there (typing all of it down, becuase that is what I do) thinking: "Oh, come on! You're finished. Just be done already!" I'm at the point where I don't think this damn story is ever going to end. Ever. I have this overwhelming urge to type: "And, so, giant meteors rammed the Earth. Everyone died. Merciful Goddess laughed and reincarnated Sanzo as a monkey. The End."
Sheesh. *headdesk*
texfic ... because it's a writing thing)*headdesk*
So, I'm working on this Saiyuki ficlet. For that Sanzo/Jello writing challenge. It's an idea that came to me right away. Even so, I sat around and thought about said idea for a good, ong time -- hoping to come up with a different idea, if the truth be told, but, still, a lot of thought has gone into this one. So, that means, theoretically, it should not be a half-assed idea. I say "theoretically" because this is me writing, after all. o.O *nervous laugh* I started work on the stupid thing in early January, when I was visiting my parents in Texas, and it seemed to flow fairly well.
It is now mid-February, and the damn thing still isn't finished.
Granted, I have not been in the best of places this month, emotionally speaking. The death of My Tex has hit me really, really hard and, it seems, left very little room for any kind of creative activity. I am not sleeping well. I have been having bad dreams ever since he died -- not "bad" as in nightmares, but bad as in panic dreams. The kind that have me waking up gasping for air, clenching my teeth, and certain the world is about to cave in on me. I hate those. And, I'm still weepy at the drop of a hat. So, rationally, I know the words just are not going to flow all that well.
Still, I feel I need to do my best to move on with things. If left to my own devices, I would allow myself to wallow in sorrow for ... well, forever, probably. I know this is something that's very foreign to any non-pet owners or non-animal lovers out there, but I loved him. Let me say it again: I loved him. I still do. There will never be a day that I will not miss him. There will never be a day that I don't wish he was still here with me. There will never be a day I don't think about him. He was with me for almost sixteen years. My constant companion. When I wasn't at work, he was with me -- in the house, running errands, sleeping. Pretty much, all the time, like my shadow. You can't just lose something like that -- something that precious to you -- and not feel it. You can't. And, I know this. Believe me, I know it. To the bottom of my heart and then some.
Still, life goes on. I have a toddler who doesn't understand why Tex isn't here any more. And, more importantly, who doesn't understand why mommy is crying all the time. I have to suck it up, so to speak, for her sake. And, because Tex deserves better, too. He deserves to be remembered for the wonderful, loving being he was, for the important part he played in my life. And, that requires remembering him without crying. Which, I know, is going to take a while. But, I just feel the need to do whatever I can to help myself move along in the hopes of getting to that point, you know?
Writing, for me, is part of that. I don't feel emotionally able right now to handle any original fiction, but, even so, I felt like I could tackle some fanfic. Along with an essay here or there. Not ideal, but still a good way to handle my emotions -- you know, getting them out there on paper.
And, so, I turned to my in-progress Saiyuki ficlet, thinking it would be easy to finish. After all, I had already started it. It was more than half done.
"Easy" is not the word. Although my heart is filled to bursting with emotions, I have found it almost impossible to put words to paper. Just because I can't think of any words. All I can think about, in those quiet times when the words would usually come, is how freaking sad I am. How I miss Tex. How I didn't want things to end this way. How I feel cheated by life.
Still, I soldiered on. I sat there until, finally, some words started breaking through, and I wrote them down. Thank goodness, they actually halfway fit together, but I still think what I've written for it so far is pretty strained. In my mind, it doesn't flow, and it feels forced when I read it. Of course, this could be because I know, damn good and well, that it is forced ... so I may not be looking at it objectively. But, the important thing is that I am writing. Or, trying to write.
Now, though, I'm down to the nitty gritty on this Saiyuki ficlet. It is time for the story to end. It's done. Finished. Finito. Complete.
Except, the story doesn't seem to know that. It won't end! In my mind, I'm so done with this damn thing, and, yet, the story dawdles around, spinning sentence upon sentence out of my frazzled, malfunctioning brain, when I'm sitting there (typing all of it down, becuase that is what I do) thinking: "Oh, come on! You're finished. Just be done already!" I'm at the point where I don't think this damn story is ever going to end. Ever. I have this overwhelming urge to type: "And, so, giant meteors rammed the Earth. Everyone died. Merciful Goddess laughed and reincarnated Sanzo as a monkey. The End."
Sheesh. *headdesk*